Pen Palsy-Walsy

So I've signed up to be a penpal to an intercity 5th grader. For obvious reasons I'm not going to put his name on the interwebs. I think I'll just call him Bob. I mean, it doesn't really matter because I doubt I'll be talking about him that often anyway, so I could change his name and you'll go, wait, wasn't his name Bob? But by then you'll have to go back and find this post, and that's far too much trouble than to just assume you're forgetful and not good at anything but reading something you'll forget anyway.
So they want these letters to be "professional". What kind of kid wants a "professional" letter from some college fuck he's never met? 5th graders are what, between 10 and 11? I know for a fact that I would not want some guy who is practically twice my age sending me something that is like,
  Dear Mr. Green,
  How are you? I am a psychology major. That means I sit around and learn about how you think and process information.
Well, that is all I have to say,
Sincerely,
Mr. Older College Guy

What I would like to get is,
Dear Nathan,
  They want me to tell you about how exciting college is for me, but I doubt you care. I know they're reading these letters anyway to make sure I'm not a pedophile (now THAT is something to define for them) so I suppose I should tell you a few things. I'm a psychology major. I don't know what you're home life is like, but if you've seen a therapist that's basically it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it basically means that I can read your mind. That's right. When you go to college, you too can become psychic over time. It's really fantastic. Unfortunately I can't show you in a letter because you're reading this in the future and I can only read your present mind. Sorry. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying the fuck out of your 5th grade year, because someday you'll be old like I am and wonder if you ever did anything worthwhile 10 years ago. And you'll think, "No. No I have not." But then you could become an engineering major and make a time machine and portal back to as you read this letter and tell yourself to do more (of course I won't bother explaining time/space theories, this letter only needs to be a page) interesting things with your life. I have to get back to studying now, but I'm quite glad to make your acquaintance (if you don't know what that means, it means cybernetic brainwave manipulation, ask your teacher about it)!
Sincerely,
Captain Doctor Nathan Green

And all of my letters would be along those lines. And then maybe I'll draw him a picture. Maybe I'll send him letters that little be little degenerate until his mother finds him crying under his blanket and when his mother asks what is wrong he'll look up at her with big shiny eyes and go, everything is so beautiful.