A Killer Headache

They came in with guns, shouting for us to get on the ground. No one would get hurt, they said, if we all just cooperated. Don't be a hero.

I didn't really want to get on the ground. My knee was acting up that morning and the floor looked fairly dirty. I told them as much. I don't remember what they said after that. I hope it was something cool, though. Something like, it'll be even dirtier with your brains on it. It wouldn't sound very nice, and everyone else would gasp, but it would sound cool. It would get the job done. I would get on the ground like they said. No one would get hurt.

I got on the ground like they said. As I laid down I felt one of my headaches coming on. One of those terrible headaches that shoots up the back of your neck and you can't think straight. This one wasn't coming up my neck. This one was in my temple. I rubbed it. It didn't help.

They took the money. They pointed at me and said if anyone tried anything smart they'd end up like me. That seemed silly. I was on the ground. We were all on the ground. I should have said something. Then they could say something like, keep doing that or you'll end up in the ground. Life's not a movie, though. If it were, I would grab a shotgun from under the teller counter and blast them away. But there is no shotgun. Just gum someone had stuck under there. That's rude, I thought. You're not supposed to chew gum on the job. That's probably why it's stuck on the underside of the counter. I should say something.

My mouth is stuck shut like I had a mouthful of peanut butter. Or used gum. It's a gross thought. I almost vomit but contain it. The hero of the story always keeps their composure. Or do they? I couldn't remember any specific heroes, especially not any that hadn't had a moment of weakness. I tried to decide if that justified throwing up, but then I figured you had to have a history of heroics before you were allowed to vomit on the job. Or if it was your first day on the job. Then you could just vomit out of fear. But I wasn't particularly afraid. I just had a gross thought. No hero vomits over a gross thought.

I wasn't really a hero. I was laying on the ground with everyone else. And I had a headache. Did Batman ever get headaches before a night out? Could he call in sick?
Sorry Joker, you'll have to wait until tomorrow to be stopped, I have a headache. I know, I'm sorry it's so last minute. I will, Alfred is bringing me some aspirin. I might still show up if I'm feeling better later but I wouldn't count on it. Thanks, you too. Send Harlequin my regards.

I think they left while I was trying to decide whether to vomit. I sat up. That didn't help my headache. There was a lot of crying. I felt a little better. I hadn't cried. I hadn't even vomited in the end, so I chalked that up to a win. I asked the lady who works next to me if she had any aspirin. She was crying too hard to hear me I guess. I wasn't good with crying so I walked away. I was almost knocked down by a paramedic on my way into the lobby. I thought about telling her to watch where she was going but that didn't seem like a nice thing to say to a paramedic. She was only trying to help. Her partner ran behind her wheeling one of those wheeled stretchers, gurneys I think they're called.

I wandered outside to get some fresh air to help my headache. There were police officers everywhere, questioning witnesses and trying to calm people down. One man just kept shouting something and pointing at the bank. I recognized him as my manager. He was pretty upset so I decided to avoid him. I would walk home and take a nap. I could call in sick later, tell them the shock was too much for me. I wasn't a hero. I was just a bank teller. I would make sure they knew I hadn't vomited though. Hero or not, I've got a reputation to maintain.

I got home with very little trouble. There was a big yellow school bus parked across from my house, which was strange. I hate when things are out of place like that. There wasn't anyone on it, including a driver. There was always a driver inside school buses, even when there weren't any children. I shrugged and went inside the house. I needed to take a nap, or at least take something for my headache.

The phone was ringing. It was supposed to go to voicemail after a few rings but didn't. Who was calling me this time of day anyhow?
Oh hello would you like to buy a subscription to our magazine? I assure you it's quite good. Yes I know print just isn't what it used to be.
And then the operator would start crying. He was definitely not a hero at his job. Maybe today is his first day. Then he can cry. Tomorrow he'll come in, resolved never to cry on the job again. He would sit at his desk and call a stranger's house and demand they buy a subscription to the best damned magazine in the world.
No, I wouldn't be picking up the phone today. I don't need anyone else crying at work. What if I got him fired?

The phone was still ringing. I walked over and picked up the receiver, then left it next to the phone on the small table.

"Hello, this is George with Infographics Incorporated would you like to buy a subscription?"
I don't know what an infographic is, George. I'm sorry.
I didn't pick the phone up, though, so he probably didn't hear me.
"Hello?"
Hello.
I stared at the phone for a moment before going upstairs. I could still hearing poor George greeting the empty room as I went. How awkward for him.

In the bathroom I looked for a bottle of aspirin. My headache was getting worse. Where was it? Why was my headache so bad? I tossed old bottles of antibiotic creams and boxes of cough drops behind me like they do in the cartoons. Some landed in the bathtub. I would find them later and laugh, I'm sure. Remember when my headache was so bad I was just throwing things behind me like they do in the cartoons? Hilarious. Witty. Charming, they would say. I don't know who they are, but whoever they were, they felt I was witty and charming. We don't always get to meet our critics, even those who love us.

Where was the aspirin? The medicine cabinet seemed bigger than it had ever been. Was it infinite? Would I be sucked in like Alice and her looking glass? Don't be silly, I thought, the mirror is on the outside of the cabinet. I should have read that book. I probably would have passed freshman year English the first time around if I had. The next year they weren't teaching it.

Where was the aspirin? Why was my headache so bad? If only I could find the aspirin.
If only I could find the aspirin.
George was still asking the living room if anyone was there. No one was there. They were up here.
If only I could find the aspirin.
The morning at the bank was fairly stressful.
If only I could find the aspirin.
I wonder why they kept pointing at me.
If only I could find the aspirin.I hope they don't think I was kidnapped. I just went home.
If only I could find the aspirin.
What if they were trying to call my house looking for me? George needs to hang up and give someone else a chance.
If only I could find the aspirin.