Gylfaginning: The Birth Of A Bunch of Weird Stuff

  In the previous installment, I left you with a crazy Shyamalan Twist.

What do you mean, "No you didn't"? I did it at least as good as he did.

  Ignoring your ever so rude criticism, let's dive right into the Norse Creation Myth, shall we?

  Before the world was made, there was already a sort of existing universe. It was referred to as the Mist-World, and like most sources for Norse things, it all came out of a well. This well, called Hvergelmir(1), is where the rivers Svöl, Gunnthrá, Fjörm, Fimbulthul, Slídr, Hríd, Sylgr, Ylgr, Víd, Leiptr and Gjöll come from. Gjöll, incidentally flows past Niflheimr under a bridge going to the very gates. Being a river near Hel, it is ice-cold and for arbitrary reasons supposedly has knives flowing through it.

Who doesn't love a nice cold glass of sharp?

 While all this is existing, the very first place in existence is Múspellsheimr(2). There's no origin story for it, which is really typical of the mythology(3). That's about all it says about that.

And now for something completely different.

  Things get kind of convoluded here, which is fine, because you have a genuine skald here to help!
(Ed. note: Self-declared and thus not really genuine. Sorry.) 

  There's a Yawning Void, called Ginnungagap, which I can only assume is the Norse version of saying "It's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway." It's just a giant open void in the middle of existence, and the ice from the aforementioned rivers called rime(4), which is made a venom for about as good a reason as Gjöll being full of knives, flows into it, while the lava/magma (it's not really underground, but it's not above ground either..?) from Múspellsheimr mixes in and makes a catastrophic mess. 

  Much like uncovering a block of ice with an undead mammoth residing in it, within the ice were terrible things waiting to get out. I think the "venom" mentioned is a euphemism for evil and whatnot, not necessarily straight-up poison, but with the Norse at this point, who knows? So the heat from Múspellsheimr meets with the ice from Niflheimr and it melts(5). Sur-fucking-prise. 


  So without any frame of time throughout this entire thing, a man forms out of the ensuing melted mess (because isn't that how all people are made in the end?), named Ymir, though the Jötunn call him Aurgelimir (gravel-yeller. Your guess is as good as mine). Now, again the following is out of context, but when I get to the Völuspá, I think it will be more explained, because all research tends to lead there.

All the witches | spring from Witolf,
All the warlocks | are of Willharm,
And the spell-singers | spring from Swarthead;
All the ogres | of Ymir come.

The reason I say that it should be explained later is that these names do not appear anywhere else except the Gylfaginning and the Völuspá.

But concerning this says Vafthrúdnir the giant:
Out of the Ice-waves | issued venom-drops,
Waxing until | a giant was;
Thence are our kindred | come all together,--
So it is | they are savage forever."
This basically says that because the Jötunn are made from venom, they're always going to be savage; for those of you who don't read the poetic snippets. 


  But then, coming out of story-mode, Gangleri asks, "So... where is everyone else? Or is this it? Is this 'Ymir' fellow your god or... Is there someone less... I dunno, venom-savage marked?" In what I can only imagine as a blustery mustached man in the middle of a swig, Jafnhárr goes, "Oh, Gimlé no! He's a venom-savage, and we can't be having that being a god!" He's probably a bit insulted, because remember, he's also Odin in triplet disguise. Now, I can't imagine many grosser creation stories, but regardless of Jafnhárr's Just as High opinion of himself, Ymir is pretty much a god in this myth. The other thing is, he still doesn't get straight to where human-man comes from, Snorri seems to be using "man" just in the sense that the resulting creations are male or female.

"Now it is said that when he slept, a sweat came upon him, and there grew under his left hand a man and a woman, and one of his feet begat a son with the other; and thus the races are come; these are the Rime-Giants. The old Rime-Giant, him we call Ymir". Most of this is redundant, but that's okay. I guess.

I didn't want to get to the point anyway.

 So Gangleri doesn't find this odd at all, and goes on to ask, "Well where did Ymir hang out? What does he have to survive on? He's in the middle of a freakin' Ginnungagap. Of course Hárr has a perfectly good explanation! Why, from the rime, a giant cow named Audumla(6) drips down and four streams of milk ran from her udders, and she feeds Ymir.

So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.

  But Gangleri won't let the leather be pulled over his eyes, so he continues to bother Hárr for the sake of your education and asks where Audumla gets her nourishment! Hárr is still on top of things and tells Gangleri that she licked the ice-blocks, because apparently cows like salt and it's satisfying enough for food?

This is starting to sound less like the work of a priest and more like the time your Uncle got drunk an- No, yeah, sounds like the work of a priest. Zing!

In the next episode, we will be exploring what becomes of the licked ice-block! No, that is not a joke:

"She licked the ice-blocks, which were salty; and the first day that she licked the blocks, there came forth from the blocks in the evening..."


1) Meaning "bubbling boiling spring". I maintain that the Norse were too busy naming their swords and bedding wenches to name regular things like wells.

2) Literally, The home of Múspell, or as it looks in the phrase, Múspell's home; directly translated, Flame Land.

It's probably the only time Pedobear wasn't lying.

Múspell is the fire realm, and demons are referred to as Sons of Múspell. I think that it's like calling soldiers Sons of America or something like that. Regardless, the demon Sutr is the ruler, and will eventually set the world on fire at the end of Ragnarok. The myths like to get ahead of themselves midmyth, so we'll save Ragnarok for later.


3) There's a whole chapter that flows from one myth to the other without a new title, and in the end the whole point is that some witch's toe fell off while Thor was carrying her through a cold area, and Thor just threw it into the air for good measure, and that's why there's this star somewhere referred to a cold witch's toe thrown in the air by Thor. They had a weird value system.


4) Thus rime-giants/Jötunn. See? It all comes back around!


5) According to Wikipedia, the combination of both 'heims (as we call them in the hood) is called Eitr. This is the substance of all life, but it is also made from poison, and the same poison of the World Serpent (coming soon to a blog near you!). 
  SPOILER ALERT: Ragnarok does not destroy the universe, but rather it starts it over. A major theme throughout Norse mythology, and general mythology, is that from life comes death, and from death comes life, so this is a really good example. 


6) I'm sure I've said this before, but my favorite part of Norse mythology is the arbitrary stuff.

Gylfaginning Pt. II

  When we last left our plucky hero he had just entered the next room with the juggler to see iff'n he could have a sleepover and talk about boys.

I couldn't find any stock photos of a slumber party, so here's a picture of Greg Kinnear.

  Gangleri walks into the room, and he looks around, and is like, jigga whaaa? All around him were people playing games, hanging out, getting drunk, and sparing with weapons. So you know, like my saturday nights. Then he says, as we all do to ourselves when we get invited to a sick party,

All the gateways | ere one goes out
    Should one scan:
For 't is uncertain | where sit the unfriendly
    On the bench before thee.

Farther into the room are these three guys sitting on thrones. So cool as ice, Gangleri meanders up and is like, "Who are you fine gentlemen that own these halls?" He used the word "lords" but whatever. The lords respond that they are Hárr (High), Janhárr (Just as High), and the guy in the highest seat is Thridi (Third). The interesting thing is, I always read that thinking it was opposite, so I thought Third was the lowest, thinking it was High, Just as High, and Third, like that little brother you don't like. You learn something new every day!

  Then Hárr goes, "So are you here for the meat and drink, caaaause...That shit is free for everyone in the Hall of the High One...." Now, or some reason Gangleri doesn't question any of this. He's just like, "Ain't no thang, baby." Then comes the sweetest zinger ever.

 Gangleri "answered that he first desired to learn whether there were any wise man there within."
And Hárr, like a BAMF "said, that he should not escape whole from thence unless he were wiser." Hella fucking sn-ap!

  Following this, Gangleri starts a kind of, "Oh yeah? Well if you're so smart, who was the first president of the United States?" like it's second grade or something.

They gave me half credit for trying.

  But yeah, as typical Norse fashion is noted in Part Eye, Snorri jumps into the dialogue like there was a heroin needle buried at the bottom.

Gangleri: So who's the oldest of the gods then?"
Hárr: Why, elementary my dear Watson, that would be the Allfather!"

What Hárr thinks of your silly questions.

Hárr (Again. Hog the spotlight some more, will ya?): But, just to show you up some more, I'm going to name aaaaall twelve names he's got.

There are so many things wrong with this reference.

The next few lines are mostly quotes because Snorri could write a thing or three.

"One is Allfather; the second is Lord, or Lord of Hosts; the third is Nikarr, or Spear-Lord; the fourth is Nikudr, or Striker; the fifth is Knower of Many Things; the sixth, Fulfiller of Wishes; the seventh, Far-Speaking One; the eighth, The Shaker, or He that Putteth the Armies to Flight; the ninth, The Burner; the tenth, The Destroyer; the eleventh, The Protector; the twelfth, Gelding." All (see what I did there?) of these he can use to pick up chicks at whim. But he doesn't, cause he's that fly.

Gangleri: "Where is this god, or what power hath he, or what hath he wrought that is a glorious deed?" I'm pretty sure he must have practiced that over and over during the previous monologue, because no one could just say that in one go.

Hárr: Technically that's three questions, but there are three of us, so you'll get off lucky this time... "He lives throughout all ages and governs all his realm, and directs all things, great and small."

Jafnhárr: "He fashioned heaven and earth and air, and all things which are in them."

Then spake Thridi: "The greatest of all is this: that he made man, and gave him the spirit, which shall live and never perish, though the flesh-frame rot to mould, or burn to ashes; and all men shall live, such as are just in action, and be with himself in the place called Gimlé. But evil men go to Hel and thence down to the Misty Hel; and that is down in the ninth world."

We'll get to this eventually, but basically: die in battle, Val Halla with Odin or Fólkvangr with Freyja, don't die in battle but live a good life, Gimlé with Frigg (I swear that's a chick). Live a bad life, you go down to the freezing Hel, Niflheimr. The fiery Hel, Muspelheimr, everyone knows and loves is full of fire demons like Sutr. But we'll come back to all that later.
(I don't know why this exists, but I don't really mind.)

Gangleri: "What did he before heaven and earth were made?" My english, not so good, since I'm Swedish...

Hárr: "He was then with the Rime-Giants." What are Rime-Giants you might ask? Well to school you, Rime is also ice, thus Ice Giants, ak-fucking-a, Jötunn.

Gangleri: Heeeey, you got me agaaain...heh...alright then. Well then if you're so smart, tell me the creation story to educate our readers!

Hárr: Again, mere child's play! But I'll indulge you, because I just enjoy it so damn much.

And because I'll be on the Library of Congress while everyone will forget your name.

Gylfaginning Pt. I

  Get your giggles out now please. Yes, that is pronounced gil-fag-inn-ing.
I'm not quite sure what the ing is, since Norse doesn't use the "ing" for verbs, but it breaks down into "The Beguiling of Gylfi", Gil from Gylfi, fag (and possibling ing, faging mea- I'm not going to officially say "faging" means to beguile. Even if it's not english, I feel dirty just thinking that) being part of beguiling, and inn being an article for "the". There you go. Now you know some Norse. In case you're wondering why I'm doing this, check it out here, here, or here.

  So the story starts out when a beggar lady shows up to King Gylfi of Sweden and is all like,
Yo, ho, dosey do, yo ho dolity doh!
 So King Gylfi is all like, "You're pretty amusing, have some land!" So he gives her "as much as four oxen might turn up in a day and a night." I have no idea how much that is, but if he's a king, it's probably a lot.

  Well it turns out, surprise surprise, that the beggar chick was one of the Æsir(1) . Her name was Gefjun(2), which is cool I guess. So she goes home, and travels to goddamn Jötunheimr(3) to get four Jötunn(4) oxen. Well, Jötunn oxen are fucking huge, so of course they come tramping in like they own the place, and tear the land a new asshole.

Probably for the best.

  The area that the oxen plowed is now called Lake Mälaren, which is a lake in Sweden (even ancient Norse mythology has a "humble beginning" story).

  Well Gylfi gets all bent out of shape, because honestly, would you want a goddess living on your land? She's the goddess associated with virginity, so it's not even like she's your hot neighbor or anything cool like that. Gylfi, in his anger, disguises himself and decides he's going to go to Ásgard(5). Gylfi is arbitrarily a wise man and knew magic(6), so he disguises himself as an old man, because the Norse pantheon is totally weak to two things, kryptonite and young men in an old-men cloaks. Just kidding, Odin can see the future from his throne in Ásgard's citadel, so he was able to see Gylfi coming before he even left his house, so Odin & Co. set up a fake hall (hut, tavern...thing. Just google meadhall), which seems rather immature, fighting fire with fire.

  For no reason other than plot device as only the Norse can do, Gylfi, in all of his wisdom and knowledge, goes "into the town", which is the most generic, "let's get this shit going already" transition. So to get shit going already, Gylfi walks into this hall, which was described as "a hall so high that he could not easily make out the top of it: its thatching was laid with golden shields after the fashion of a shingled roof." I suppose if I saw that I'd think more of it than just a regular hall, but it seems odd that if he's looking for gods the first place he would go would be town but whatever!!!

GET ON WITH IT!

Right, so Gylfi walks in and sees this guy juggling anlaces, "having seven in the air at one time". Don't bother google imaging anlaces, the world doesn't seem to think they exist. Dictionary.com defines them as "a medieval short dagger with a broad tapering blade". That just seems dangerous. The guy, I assume without stopping, is like, "Hey there 'old man', who are you to come into this hall?"

See? I can talk fancy too.

Well you don't give your real name to the first guy who asks when you're a secret agent in a magic hall of the gods, so he tells him that his name is Gangleri (Technically, Ek heiti Gangleri. Bam), and asks if he could he stay at this sweet-ass hall for the night. Then he asks who owns the hall, to which the guy with the daggers replies that their king owns it. I assume at this point Gangleri has to stop himself from saying, "Aw snap, I'm a king too! Best friends forever!" The ladies love me for my Paintbrush skills.

  Then the juggler tells Gangleri that he would go talk to the king and that he should come with to talk on his own behalf and they would see what was what. The two of them leave the room and as soon as they're in the next room, "straightway the door closed itself on his heels."

And with that we're going to end this blog, because it's getting really long and I'd rather not have a super-duper long post. Also, I like parts. Whiiich sounds a lot more serial killer-esque than I'd like.

-Skald out!

p.s.
I promise that this gets a lot more interesting. This is just the set up for a bunch of stories told in response to a series of challenges to the new king's wisdom.

1. The main pantheon of gods. The other one is the Vanir, which will come later.

2. Gef-yuhn
3. Literally "home of the giants".  I'm hoping to get somewhere in New York renamed. Pronounced Yo-ton-heimr, but in english the "r" wouldn't be there. We speak goddamn Norse here.
4. Also means Frost Giants in the right context.
5. As-guard, but if you want to sound like a gigantic cock, technically pronounced Ahz-guard.
6. You will see a lot of this throughout the mythology. Just wait til I get to Sigurd/Sigmund...