Mentally Cracked

  You've probably noticed I link to Cracked every so often.

Look, I did it again!

Just for fun, I decided to go back and add a picture. From the future!

I don't mean to spam pictures, but I decided I needed to meta-blog.

  I absolutely loved Cracked, as anyone who's facebook friends with me will tell you.

So that's why it's called Cracked.

Anyway, a question I get from a lot of people (see: one, occasionally two) is, "Why don't you go write for Cracked? You read it enough and you're style has become basically the same."

  I'm sitting here at 2 am thinking about that as usual, and I realize, it's because I don't know anything. Take what I'm reading right now for instance. I don't know anything about wars, technology, movies, any of that stuff. I know obscure things, like Norse mythology and comics. There are a few things I would consider posting, like my Widgets for America post, but it's already been written, and in the writer's forum they ask that you just link to your blog, rather than post it on both because they technically buy the rights from you. Soren Bowie writes blogs, but he's one of the head writers, so I don't think you can just submit a blog like his. Beginners either write for the Funny pages or submit the listed articles like I linked to above. C'est la vie I suppose.

Red Ring of Ragnarok

This whole, '11 thing is messing me up.

  So last weekend, Friday, I was obsessively refreshing my Amazon account to see if Red Dead Redemption had been delivered yet. It did, and I got home that evening to boot up the game and allow badassery to commence. I was trying to be calm and not rush into it, I even finished my Twitter blog! I get my xbox 360 set up and whatnot, load the game into the system, get it installing the update off the CD aaaaaand... Error 79. I looked it up, I played around with the thing, and the best I could come up with was Youtube telling me to basically tear it to shreds and rebuild a ghetto Million Dollar Man at the cost of 20 cents. The thing is shot and I'm pretty sure the fans are dying, so I put it on eBay and got a new one. It's fancy, because they put the fan on top where it hopefully won't get blocked, which you think would have been a good idea in the first place. The price also came down by almost a hundred bucks and it's got 230 more gigabytes. I'm not trying to sell the 360, I just like how this is 3 years later, and I'm probably a year or so away from the next xbox system. The trouble is, I can't imagine what I'm going to do with 230 more GB. I wasn't even close to filling the first hard drive. Also, I've developed a ridiculous case of pre-buyer's remorse. I don't regret buying the console, I like it, it's just that I'm worried that I'll develop buyer's remorse. Because that is how I roll.

A Delightful Disney Afternoon: Snow White

  One of my friends posted this really cool Snow White Remix video last night, which made me want to watch Snow White, so I got a bunch of Disney movies, including: Snow White, Dumbo, Pinocchio, and Peter Pan. It's been about 10 years since I watched any of those, so I thought it was definitely time to watch them again. That being said, I've become quite skeptical of these princess situations, so I thought I would blog about some of the things I find questionable or just odd.

Warning: Childhood may be ruined.

In the very beginning, the second scene opens with Snow White cleaning the steps and dressed in rags. I know the story and understand the point, but one must realize that the kingdom Snow White lives in must be pretty shitty if the queen forces her daughter to clean the castle, rather than being able to afford hired help. Even if she hated Snow White as much as she did, the servants would still feel bad for the princess and help her out a bit. There is no way that the queen has nothing better to do than watch Snow White wash floors and windows all day. Even in Cinderella, where they were just nobles, the step-mother went off and did step-mother things.

Like perfecting weird hairdos and being old.

 Wouldn't the servants keep Snow White hidden away in the kitchen or something where she could just snack and hang out? I can't imagine that the queen herself is in charge of the cleaning duties. I don't know much about castle hierarchy, but I'm pretty sure that the queen didn't walk about the castle making a concise list of all the chores that needed to be done.

But you can't stop me now, I'm having such a good time!

I suppose if the queen got some free time she might be like, "Oh hey mirror, what's Snow White up to? She's not singing with that Prince from one castle over is she?"

"This is what it sounds like when doves cry!"

 Even so, she would just see her in the kitchen eating on her lunch break. She can't be completely heartless because, whatever, Snow White is still in rags and eating in the damn kitchen.

Oh. Right.

Of course, I'm not even going to get into the fact that the queen should just be able to use her magic to change the entire goddamn world. This whole movie could have been a whole lot shorter if the queen had just Magic Missile'd Snow White at the beginning. This would make up for the fact that I'm not even 6 minutes into the movie.

Following this wonderful duet (not sarcasm, I love Disney music), the queen tells her huntsman to take Snow White out to the woods and kill her.

Killing bitches? Ain't no thang.

  Given the previous situation of there being no servants, can't the queen just kill Snow White herself? Even if there are people in the castle, I'm sure there's a spell to make people fall down stairs. She even tells the huntsman, "You know what happens if you fail", so obviously being cruel is not news to the help. "Did you hear? The queen exploded Snow White this morning." "Eugh. Get the intern to clean it up."

But I need something to put in this box! It was on sale!  
And I can't return it.

But again, this movie would be a bajillion times shorter, and I wouldn't be writing this! So, the huntsman takes her into the woods, tells her to run, yada yada yada, and Snow White runs off fearing everything she sees because it looks like it might kill her. Like minecraft.

OhGodsthosearen'tacacti!

Following this, she collapses in a secluded spot and decides to cry. Now, I know that it's got to be pretty traumatic to be told that the queen wants her dead, but is it really a surprise?

Why oh why didn't I recognize the signs of abuse? She told me rags were the new black!

After this, all the animals come out to sing, and they are all happy, and everything goes swell. But this scene really makes it seems like Snow White knows more than her character should know. She keeps leading the animals on, about how she can't fit in the ground (well she could, but the huntsman chickened out), and she couldn't fit in a tree or nest, but surely there must be somewhere in the woods she could stay! Wait, there is?! How wonderfully convenient to my dilemma! Though I suppose Hansel and Gretel were just as successful in their endeavors.

She seems rather jovial for someone being led off to feed the bear. I don't think she can understand us.