Taking no other sacrifice than your time.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Bank Me, Then Tell Me I'm Dirty




Dear Friend,
I know that this short memo would certainly come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we haven't had any previous correspondence with each other. In spite of this,I will appreciate it if you will permit me to inform you of my desire to execute a business with you which will certainly be of a mutual benefit to both of us.

I am Mr Mustaph Camare,i work as an external auditor for the Bank oF Africa.(B.O.A) Bukina-Faso, working as part of a bigger team that covers the entire African region,i had taken pains to find your contact,although it was through personal endeavors,On routine audit check last month, I discovered some investment Accounts that had been dormant for the last seven years.

The accounts belong to a single holder (NAME WITH HELD) with monies totaling a little above $4.2 Million United States Dollars,I need a trust-worthy partner to assist me in recieving this
 funds for further investment in your country,you will be required to:

(1) Assist me in the recieving of this sum in your Country.
(2) Advise on areas for potential future investment in your country.
(3) Assist me in carrying a feasibility study before actual investment.

If you decide to render your service to me in this regard,you will be entitled to a percentage.Send your full name and your private telephone number to me on reply so that i will call you and discusse with you on how the trasaction will be executed without hitch.

I  do expect your prompt response if you are willing to work with me.
Thank you
Best Regards.
Mr.mustaph Camare.

 That message was copy and pasted unedited in its entirety. They're not even trying anymore.

  Did you read that message through carefully? There is an account with $4.2 million just chilling out in an African bank account. Now, even if you look past the fact that it's a spam letter, the premise is ludicrous.
That Ludacris is too busy learning to count to 10 to be tricked by spam.
  First of all, from a business standpoint, Mr. Camare is coming to a 19 year old boy. You figure the average 19 year old doesn't have more than a couple hundred dollars in his bank account. All of a sudden there is a "percentage.Send" of $4.2 million flowing into some kid's back account. My next statement being printed as $10,200.82 (am I being too generous Mr. Camare?) would definitely raise some flags.

  Second of all, let's look at where this money is actually coming from. "On routine audit check last month, I discovered some investment Accounts that had been dormant for the last seven years." In seven years, he's never noticed a dormant account until December? Now, I don't know about you, but that's just poor management. If anything, this email is teaching me not to trust my money with the Bank of Africa, which given that this isn't even from a real representative cannot be doing well for the Bank of Africa. Obviously if you leave your money alone for too long, it's just up for grabs. Besides, isn't that what an investment is in nature? Something you leave by itself for a while to mature?


"If I move, my toupee will slide off." "This is what I get after years of rising above poor cultural influence and studying banking? Posing in stupid ways surrounded by old white guys? That's why I left the porn industry." "I wonder if Miss Granola would like me more if I had that guy's toupee." -Maturity
 

  Seriously, money can just disappear willy-nilly like that. "Oh I'm sorry Mr. Green, you didn't touch your account for a couple of months like our apparently regular fear-stricken customers, so we assumed you didn't want it anymore. We gave it to some kid who replied to our monthly email."

 And while I'm on the point of giving money away, who leaves $4.2 million in an account and has no plan of coming back for it? This isn't the olden days when pirates would just leave their junk in a trunk and walk away like they buried a body, that's "little above $4.2 Million United States Dollars,I", worth approximately a little above $4.2 million in today's US dollars.
Historical Accuracy


  Leaving $4.2 million lying around is mafia-type shit. Who's to say that the day after I agree some large man with a gun doesn't show up to collect his money that he left to collect interest in an off-shore account because of the nature of acquisition?

Also Historical Accuracy

  As far as his list goes, I can't think of a more terrible To-Do-List unless it had "Murder Children" and "Share a Maniacal Chuckle with Matilda over Coffee" added to it.

(1) Assist me in the recieving of this sum in your Country.
-I don't want to go into any deal with a banker who doesn't clearly know I before E except after C or when sounding like A as in "neighbor" or "weigh".

(2) Advise on areas for potential future investment in your country.
-What is he going to invest in the future? If he hasn't been paying attention, we're not doing too well lately and I've only recently found a way to fix it.

(3) Assist me in carrying a feasibility study before actual investment.
-Why isn't this one first? Was he making a list of things to do and then went, "Oh, I should found out if this is a good idea at all! But I've already made my list and everything and it looks so nice there."?

  So, alas Mr. Mustaph Camare, I will have to respectfully decline your offer for stealing $4.2 million from a "Mafia Pirate". Sorry.
It's okay Google, you've had a long day.

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