Bank Me, Then Tell Me I'm Dirty

Dear Friend,
I know that this short memo would certainly come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we haven't had any previous correspondence with each other. In spite of this,I will appreciate it if you will permit me to inform you of my desire to execute a business with you which will certainly be of a mutual benefit to both of us.

I am Mr Mustaph Camare,i work as an external auditor for the Bank oF Africa.(B.O.A) Bukina-Faso, working as part of a bigger team that covers the entire African region,i had taken pains to find your contact,although it was through personal endeavors,On routine audit check last month, I discovered some investment Accounts that had been dormant for the last seven years.

The accounts belong to a single holder (NAME WITH HELD) with monies totaling a little above $4.2 Million United States Dollars,I need a trust-worthy partner to assist me in recieving this
 funds for further investment in your country,you will be required to:

(1) Assist me in the recieving of this sum in your Country.
(2) Advise on areas for potential future investment in your country.
(3) Assist me in carrying a feasibility study before actual investment.

If you decide to render your service to me in this regard,you will be entitled to a percentage.Send your full name and your private telephone number to me on reply so that i will call you and discusse with you on how the trasaction will be executed without hitch.

I  do expect your prompt response if you are willing to work with me.
Thank you
Best Regards.
Mr.mustaph Camare.

 That message was copy and pasted unedited in its entirety. They're not even trying anymore.

  Did you read that message through carefully? There is an account with $4.2 million just chilling out in an African bank account. Now, even if you look past the fact that it's a spam letter, the premise is ludicrous.

That Ludacris is too busy learning to count to 10 to be tricked by spam.

  First of all, from a business standpoint, Mr. Camare is coming to a 19 year old boy. You figure the average 19 year old doesn't have more than a couple hundred dollars in his bank account. All of a sudden there is a "percentage.Send" of $4.2 million flowing into some kid's back account. My next statement being printed as $10,200.82 (am I being too generous Mr. Camare?) would definitely raise some flags.

  Second of all, let's look at where this money is actually coming from. "On routine audit check last month, I discovered some investment Accounts that had been dormant for the last seven years." In seven years, he's never noticed a dormant account until December? Now, I don't know about you, but that's just poor management. If anything, this email is teaching me not to trust my money with the Bank of Africa, which given that this isn't even from a real representative cannot be doing well for the Bank of Africa. Obviously if you leave your money alone for too long, it's just up for grabs. Besides, isn't that what an investment is in nature? Something you leave by itself for a while to mature?

"If I move, my toupee will slide off." "This is what I get after years of rising above poor cultural influence and studying banking? Posing in stupid ways surrounded by old white guys? That's why I left the porn industry." "I wonder if Miss Granola would like me more if I had that guy's toupee." -Maturity

 

  Seriously, money can just disappear willy-nilly like that. "Oh I'm sorry Mr. Green, you didn't touch your account for a couple of months like our apparently regular fear-stricken customers, so we assumed you didn't want it anymore. We gave it to some kid who replied to our monthly email."

 And while I'm on the point of giving money away, who leaves $4.2 million in an account and has no plan of coming back for it? This isn't the olden days when pirates would just leave their junk in a trunk and walk away like they buried a body, that's "little above $4.2 Million United States Dollars,I", worth approximately a little above $4.2 million in today's US dollars.

Historical Accuracy

  Leaving $4.2 million lying around is mafia-type shit. Who's to say that the day after I agree some large man with a gun doesn't show up to collect his money that he left to collect interest in an off-shore account because of the nature of acquisition?

Also Historical Accuracy

  As far as his list goes, I can't think of a more terrible To-Do-List unless it had "Murder Children" and "Share a Maniacal Chuckle with Matilda over Coffee" added to it.

(1) Assist me in the recieving of this sum in your Country.
-I don't want to go into any deal with a banker who doesn't clearly know I before E except after C or when sounding like A as in "neighbor" or "weigh".

(2) Advise on areas for potential future investment in your country.
-What is he going to invest in the future? If he hasn't been paying attention, we're not doing too well lately and I've only recently found a way to fix it.

(3) Assist me in carrying a feasibility study before actual investment.
-Why isn't this one first? Was he making a list of things to do and then went, "Oh, I should found out if this is a good idea at all! But I've already made my list and everything and it looks so nice there."?

  So, alas Mr. Mustaph Camare, I will have to respectfully decline your offer for stealing $4.2 million from a "Mafia Pirate". Sorry.

It's okay Google, you've had a long day.

Widgets for America

  Recently (see: Friday) I got into a discussion with a friend about how to fix the economy and what I (and with some help, him) created is what I call The Widgets for America Campaign. See, what we need is something for the people to believe in, and thus the Widget was born.   
  Now, I know that the widget is already a thing. They're those little programs that tell you what time it is in Belgium because you found out your favorite actor is Belgian even though he's never actually been there, as well as letting you convert your units so that you can brag to dumb chicks that your unit is a whole 10 centimeters.

Believe me, I know what a Widget is.

  But those of you with class will instantly think, "But in Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield, the business professor used 'widget' as a substitution for a business model!" It's not shamelessly stolen from that, but ever since that fantastic movie I've always used 'widget' as a type of product. It was also used in this book about a boy who collected bottle caps and used money to buy a widget even though he didn't know what it did (more on that later), but oddly enough that thought (even though more relevant) came just now, instead of being before Back to School.

  "Enough babbling!" is what America is crying. "What is this glorious solution you have?" "Please, tell us!" "Put some pants on!"

The face of America. What a terrible "first photo".

  How I Will Save America

  First of all, it does not have a direct use. It does a few things here and there, but nothing specific enough to spotlight for a selling point. That's fine, because second of all, it was made entirely by Americans for Americans. How is it "for Americans" if it doesn't have any real use you ask? Well that's because real Americans buy it. Patriots. Strong, hardworking, loyal American patriots. It's totally fine if you don't want to buy a Widget for America (WFA hereafter), but I guess you don't really love your country. See, as terrible as Joseph McCarthy was to the average person, he was on to something.

Or as his friends called him, "Broseph McCarthy".

  You want to get people behind an idea? Make them afraid to not be a part of something. So take the WFA for example. Everyone will buy a WFA purely because it's American. Not owning a WFA will be a major faux pas. Of course McCarthy up there was about weeding out the non-Americans, I'm out to unify everyone. You buy a WFA because that's what people do. "Don't have a WFA? Oh, well I guess you're just not American enough to own one. That's fine. I guess. I suppose you just don't love your country. And for those of you who don't indeed love your country, that's fine, it's just a shame." At that point your girlfriend knees you in your pinko and goes off to make love on an American flag with someone better than you at everything.

I call it "The George Washington".

  Now you don't want to be caught without a WFA, do you? Great! But where are these WFA coming from? They're just being mass produced in China or Taiwan, right? That's what America is about nowadays, right? It would actually make more sense for it to be outsourced to make it that much more American!

Zing! But this showed up in my "Sweatshop Workers" search and they seem happy enough.

 

  Wrong! See, that's why the WFA Campaign is going to save America: We will hire Americans to make them. Now, at this point in the conversation my female pointed out that if most of America is being paid to make them, why should they have to turn right back around and pour their hard-earned money into a WFA (Ooh, it could double as a piggy bank!)? Well, figure that worst case scenario we're paying these workers minimum wage. Round it off to 8 dollars an hour. Say the average worker works 9-5, of course with lunch break. That's about an 8 hour work day. That's $64 a day. That's at worst mind you, we in the campaign acknowledge that's shit, so you can be sure workers are being paid more than that.

We in the campaign acknowledge prostitution is tax-free though, so go ahead. Let a stranger stick it in your pinko.

We're planning on selling these babies for about $20, so even if they're paid minimum wage, which they won't be, that's only a third of their wages for one day. And you assume they'll probably be working there for a while. because the economy sucks. Which brings me to my next point!

  With all (or at least most) of America pouring $20 into the system, there's got to be sales tax. At least in Cook Country, tax is 10%. Outside of Crazyland though, the average sales tax is generally between 4 and 8%, acknowledging some states don't pay sales tax. Now let's just say that everyone taxes at 6%. That's more or less $1.20 in sales tax (I wonder if a bill could be passed to tax a specific item). According to our friends at the Census Bureau, there's about 308,745,538 people in the United States, and that's just the people who responded. Round down to 300,000,000 to account for children (though that probably doesn't do it justice). That's $ 360,000,000 right there. Now, we could just add $1.20 to all tax and collect on that, but one, there are people who evade their taxes like it was tag at lunch time and two, the WFA serves as a symbol that you love your country, right there in your living room, and a lot less ostentatious than some stupid flag.

Has this ever honestly served as a symbol of our country?

   Now, I'm not saying our debt is small by any means, but I also have a plan for increasing the WFA income. Whatever the WFA does do, maybe it needs refilling. Maybe it has an ink cartridge. Bam, that's a couple bucks right there whenever it runs out. And it's not like a printer where it has a big cartridge, maybe it has as much as a pen. Hell, maybe it has a pen in it, like a swiss army knife toothpick. There's tax on that to be gained too.

  

  It will definitely take a few months to get the ball rolling; funds need to be gained to build the factories, ads need to be placed, word needs to be gotten out to the unemployment agencies, and a few thousand WFA need to be sold to get the income flowing. Once you have people working on making these things, money just moves circularly. People buy widgets, tax money rolls in, money can go to schools, roads and paying off our massive debt, and with $20 per going into businesses and thus into the retail work force, PLUS the factory work force getting paid good money to be used to buy things, the common man can afford to put his own money back out there. Especially because he can drive his new car (with WFA adapter) on the freshly paved roads. This is assuming that Americans only buy one. What about all the major patriots that wish to adorn their entire house/trailer with WFA's? Pick an object. The first thing you can think of. There's at least one person who has gone crazy and bought a blillion of them. Now add America to that, and every red-blooded American (and blue-blooded for us normal/high class people) will want tons of them. We could even just paint the damn thing like an American flag or army camouflage if it'll make people buy them more.

For fuck's sake, nobody likes you.

Notes:

 This is amusing and I like it.

This should also be given a read, though neither served as inspiration for this, but rather when I noted how it was totally okay for them to print tons of the same poster for a 5x10 ft cork board because it pulled in production from ink, lumber, and trucking companies, just to name a few.

I acknowledge that Yahoo! answers are the worst source of knowledge ever, but I do enjoy them so.

That picture with the two girls was originally some college kids, but in the time it took to finish this article they removed it from the internet.

For the "The George Washington" picture, I searched for Sex on American Flag and I forgot to turn Safesearch to Moderate and it was terrible. It wasn't even that what I was looking for was groady, but that the groady pictures coming up didn't have anything to do with what I was searching for.

This was 8 pages. It is probably the best thing I've ever written this long, and that includes the 7 page research paper I did on webcomics last semester. 

For Galaga! Pt. II

I like Parts. It makes it seem like a chronicle and I get to hope that people are on the edge of their seats waiting for the next installment. I like that word too, but that's enough of that. Just an FYI, I have O Fortuna going on in the background.

Night 1:
 The moon rises, a herald of my impending doom. I can practically see the sun sinking. In a few moments the hour will be upon me, and the creatures will be released.
Hark! A monster outside my window, wandering around, in search of my flesh no doubt. A hiss. An explosion. Has a creeper managed to infiltrate my home while my back was turned? Sword drawn, I whip around, ready to face death as only a viking warrior could. But nay, I shall not die this night so far! I have struck the first blow of war, and it was a mighty one! Another hiss. Another explosion. Another cord struck for the Human Endeavor! I send out three shots, warning all those who intend me harm to know that even if they brave the field that there is a bear in this cave, and he is armed to the teeth. Can they smell fear? They will have a hard time tracking it, for there is none to be found in this establishment! I turn back to the rear window. There are a few creepers, but they mill about as  restlessly as I feel. They turn, and for a second there is the sense of mutual lust for blood. Just as quickly as it came, the moment was gone and they continued to mill. I head back to the front of the fortress (or eventually my grave?) and see that quite a number of creepers, skeleton archers and zombies have crawled up from the depths. A shot fired. Another. The moon is blacked for a minute as my hail of arrows rains down upon the creatures. "Back to Nethers from which you were born!" I cry to the soon-to-be corpses on the front lawn. Many of the arrows miss, but I fear not, for the millings have set off the copious amount of mines strewn about. I must focus. The hunter must continue to be the hunter, for that is how this world works. I focus. Shots are fired. ...Most of them find their mark. I have shot down many of the foul creatures, including those thinking that they can swim to safety. The sun will be up soon and there will be no hiding from nature's rays. Yes, watch them burn. I shoot down the skeleton seeking refuge in the sea, who has now become refuse to be washed away like scum in the shower.

There is no recipe for a shower. My character has been around for days.