Gylfaginning: The Birth Of A Bunch of Weird Stuff

  In the previous installment, I left you with a crazy Shyamalan Twist.

What do you mean, "No you didn't"? I did it at least as good as he did.

  Ignoring your ever so rude criticism, let's dive right into the Norse Creation Myth, shall we?

  Before the world was made, there was already a sort of existing universe. It was referred to as the Mist-World, and like most sources for Norse things, it all came out of a well. This well, called Hvergelmir(1), is where the rivers Svöl, Gunnthrá, Fjörm, Fimbulthul, Slídr, Hríd, Sylgr, Ylgr, Víd, Leiptr and Gjöll come from. Gjöll, incidentally flows past Niflheimr under a bridge going to the very gates. Being a river near Hel, it is ice-cold and for arbitrary reasons supposedly has knives flowing through it.

Who doesn't love a nice cold glass of sharp?

 While all this is existing, the very first place in existence is Múspellsheimr(2). There's no origin story for it, which is really typical of the mythology(3). That's about all it says about that.

And now for something completely different.

  Things get kind of convoluded here, which is fine, because you have a genuine skald here to help!
(Ed. note: Self-declared and thus not really genuine. Sorry.) 

  There's a Yawning Void, called Ginnungagap, which I can only assume is the Norse version of saying "It's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway." It's just a giant open void in the middle of existence, and the ice from the aforementioned rivers called rime(4), which is made a venom for about as good a reason as Gjöll being full of knives, flows into it, while the lava/magma (it's not really underground, but it's not above ground either..?) from Múspellsheimr mixes in and makes a catastrophic mess. 

  Much like uncovering a block of ice with an undead mammoth residing in it, within the ice were terrible things waiting to get out. I think the "venom" mentioned is a euphemism for evil and whatnot, not necessarily straight-up poison, but with the Norse at this point, who knows? So the heat from Múspellsheimr meets with the ice from Niflheimr and it melts(5). Sur-fucking-prise. 


  So without any frame of time throughout this entire thing, a man forms out of the ensuing melted mess (because isn't that how all people are made in the end?), named Ymir, though the Jötunn call him Aurgelimir (gravel-yeller. Your guess is as good as mine). Now, again the following is out of context, but when I get to the Völuspá, I think it will be more explained, because all research tends to lead there.

All the witches | spring from Witolf,
All the warlocks | are of Willharm,
And the spell-singers | spring from Swarthead;
All the ogres | of Ymir come.

The reason I say that it should be explained later is that these names do not appear anywhere else except the Gylfaginning and the Völuspá.

But concerning this says Vafthrúdnir the giant:
Out of the Ice-waves | issued venom-drops,
Waxing until | a giant was;
Thence are our kindred | come all together,--
So it is | they are savage forever."
This basically says that because the Jötunn are made from venom, they're always going to be savage; for those of you who don't read the poetic snippets. 


  But then, coming out of story-mode, Gangleri asks, "So... where is everyone else? Or is this it? Is this 'Ymir' fellow your god or... Is there someone less... I dunno, venom-savage marked?" In what I can only imagine as a blustery mustached man in the middle of a swig, Jafnhárr goes, "Oh, Gimlé no! He's a venom-savage, and we can't be having that being a god!" He's probably a bit insulted, because remember, he's also Odin in triplet disguise. Now, I can't imagine many grosser creation stories, but regardless of Jafnhárr's Just as High opinion of himself, Ymir is pretty much a god in this myth. The other thing is, he still doesn't get straight to where human-man comes from, Snorri seems to be using "man" just in the sense that the resulting creations are male or female.

"Now it is said that when he slept, a sweat came upon him, and there grew under his left hand a man and a woman, and one of his feet begat a son with the other; and thus the races are come; these are the Rime-Giants. The old Rime-Giant, him we call Ymir". Most of this is redundant, but that's okay. I guess.

I didn't want to get to the point anyway.

 So Gangleri doesn't find this odd at all, and goes on to ask, "Well where did Ymir hang out? What does he have to survive on? He's in the middle of a freakin' Ginnungagap. Of course Hárr has a perfectly good explanation! Why, from the rime, a giant cow named Audumla(6) drips down and four streams of milk ran from her udders, and she feeds Ymir.

So he's got that going for him. Which is nice.

  But Gangleri won't let the leather be pulled over his eyes, so he continues to bother Hárr for the sake of your education and asks where Audumla gets her nourishment! Hárr is still on top of things and tells Gangleri that she licked the ice-blocks, because apparently cows like salt and it's satisfying enough for food?

This is starting to sound less like the work of a priest and more like the time your Uncle got drunk an- No, yeah, sounds like the work of a priest. Zing!

In the next episode, we will be exploring what becomes of the licked ice-block! No, that is not a joke:

"She licked the ice-blocks, which were salty; and the first day that she licked the blocks, there came forth from the blocks in the evening..."


1) Meaning "bubbling boiling spring". I maintain that the Norse were too busy naming their swords and bedding wenches to name regular things like wells.

2) Literally, The home of Múspell, or as it looks in the phrase, Múspell's home; directly translated, Flame Land.

It's probably the only time Pedobear wasn't lying.

Múspell is the fire realm, and demons are referred to as Sons of Múspell. I think that it's like calling soldiers Sons of America or something like that. Regardless, the demon Sutr is the ruler, and will eventually set the world on fire at the end of Ragnarok. The myths like to get ahead of themselves midmyth, so we'll save Ragnarok for later.


3) There's a whole chapter that flows from one myth to the other without a new title, and in the end the whole point is that some witch's toe fell off while Thor was carrying her through a cold area, and Thor just threw it into the air for good measure, and that's why there's this star somewhere referred to a cold witch's toe thrown in the air by Thor. They had a weird value system.


4) Thus rime-giants/Jötunn. See? It all comes back around!


5) According to Wikipedia, the combination of both 'heims (as we call them in the hood) is called Eitr. This is the substance of all life, but it is also made from poison, and the same poison of the World Serpent (coming soon to a blog near you!). 
  SPOILER ALERT: Ragnarok does not destroy the universe, but rather it starts it over. A major theme throughout Norse mythology, and general mythology, is that from life comes death, and from death comes life, so this is a really good example. 


6) I'm sure I've said this before, but my favorite part of Norse mythology is the arbitrary stuff.

Gylfaginning Pt. II

  When we last left our plucky hero he had just entered the next room with the juggler to see iff'n he could have a sleepover and talk about boys.

I couldn't find any stock photos of a slumber party, so here's a picture of Greg Kinnear.

  Gangleri walks into the room, and he looks around, and is like, jigga whaaa? All around him were people playing games, hanging out, getting drunk, and sparing with weapons. So you know, like my saturday nights. Then he says, as we all do to ourselves when we get invited to a sick party,

All the gateways | ere one goes out
    Should one scan:
For 't is uncertain | where sit the unfriendly
    On the bench before thee.

Farther into the room are these three guys sitting on thrones. So cool as ice, Gangleri meanders up and is like, "Who are you fine gentlemen that own these halls?" He used the word "lords" but whatever. The lords respond that they are Hárr (High), Janhárr (Just as High), and the guy in the highest seat is Thridi (Third). The interesting thing is, I always read that thinking it was opposite, so I thought Third was the lowest, thinking it was High, Just as High, and Third, like that little brother you don't like. You learn something new every day!

  Then Hárr goes, "So are you here for the meat and drink, caaaause...That shit is free for everyone in the Hall of the High One...." Now, or some reason Gangleri doesn't question any of this. He's just like, "Ain't no thang, baby." Then comes the sweetest zinger ever.

 Gangleri "answered that he first desired to learn whether there were any wise man there within."
And Hárr, like a BAMF "said, that he should not escape whole from thence unless he were wiser." Hella fucking sn-ap!

  Following this, Gangleri starts a kind of, "Oh yeah? Well if you're so smart, who was the first president of the United States?" like it's second grade or something.

They gave me half credit for trying.

  But yeah, as typical Norse fashion is noted in Part Eye, Snorri jumps into the dialogue like there was a heroin needle buried at the bottom.

Gangleri: So who's the oldest of the gods then?"
Hárr: Why, elementary my dear Watson, that would be the Allfather!"

What Hárr thinks of your silly questions.

Hárr (Again. Hog the spotlight some more, will ya?): But, just to show you up some more, I'm going to name aaaaall twelve names he's got.

There are so many things wrong with this reference.

The next few lines are mostly quotes because Snorri could write a thing or three.

"One is Allfather; the second is Lord, or Lord of Hosts; the third is Nikarr, or Spear-Lord; the fourth is Nikudr, or Striker; the fifth is Knower of Many Things; the sixth, Fulfiller of Wishes; the seventh, Far-Speaking One; the eighth, The Shaker, or He that Putteth the Armies to Flight; the ninth, The Burner; the tenth, The Destroyer; the eleventh, The Protector; the twelfth, Gelding." All (see what I did there?) of these he can use to pick up chicks at whim. But he doesn't, cause he's that fly.

Gangleri: "Where is this god, or what power hath he, or what hath he wrought that is a glorious deed?" I'm pretty sure he must have practiced that over and over during the previous monologue, because no one could just say that in one go.

Hárr: Technically that's three questions, but there are three of us, so you'll get off lucky this time... "He lives throughout all ages and governs all his realm, and directs all things, great and small."

Jafnhárr: "He fashioned heaven and earth and air, and all things which are in them."

Then spake Thridi: "The greatest of all is this: that he made man, and gave him the spirit, which shall live and never perish, though the flesh-frame rot to mould, or burn to ashes; and all men shall live, such as are just in action, and be with himself in the place called Gimlé. But evil men go to Hel and thence down to the Misty Hel; and that is down in the ninth world."

We'll get to this eventually, but basically: die in battle, Val Halla with Odin or Fólkvangr with Freyja, don't die in battle but live a good life, Gimlé with Frigg (I swear that's a chick). Live a bad life, you go down to the freezing Hel, Niflheimr. The fiery Hel, Muspelheimr, everyone knows and loves is full of fire demons like Sutr. But we'll come back to all that later.
(I don't know why this exists, but I don't really mind.)

Gangleri: "What did he before heaven and earth were made?" My english, not so good, since I'm Swedish...

Hárr: "He was then with the Rime-Giants." What are Rime-Giants you might ask? Well to school you, Rime is also ice, thus Ice Giants, ak-fucking-a, Jötunn.

Gangleri: Heeeey, you got me agaaain...heh...alright then. Well then if you're so smart, tell me the creation story to educate our readers!

Hárr: Again, mere child's play! But I'll indulge you, because I just enjoy it so damn much.

And because I'll be on the Library of Congress while everyone will forget your name.

A Delightful Disney Afternoon: Peter Pan

  A couple of days ago I watched Peter Pan for the first time. I've seen bits and pieces of it here and there for no good reason, so I thought I should finally see it from start to finish. I'd seen the 1960 version, because we had it recorded on VHS (I'm going to be twenty this year. Oh gods) from ages ago. It was alright, but the costumes were reeeally fake, and they had a woman play Peter Pan instead of a kid.

At least she doesn't scream "sexy". That would have been awkward for everyone.

  I absolutely loved Peter Pan. Unlike Snow White, I had very little bad to say about it. The voice of Wendy was done by the actress who does Alice (I'll wait while you look that up), and the whole story, as fantastical as it was, is well, fantastic. I thought the kids dressed in skins of animals was a little weird, since they're immature children who don't know anything about Indians, yet can somehow acquire the skin of a freaking bear cub.

That's an Indian. Right? Guys? Guuuuys?

   That is probably the only real issue I had with the movie. Now, obviously this was the the 50's and everyone knows that Disney was a bit... iffy when it came to not being a Nazi.

They're letting colors into the industry? What is the world coming to?

 Honestly, now that I've added this movie to my repertoire, I have to say that it is probably my favorites regarding plots. There weren't that many songs, and I honestly don't think that was the main focus anyway, so if you ignore the racial undertones, this is probably in my top 5 Disney movies.

Oh the racial undertones.

  I absolutely love the pirates. I thought that the pirates really made everything better, especially their dance number about why they should sign instead of walking the planks.

You'd think that anyone who had that much time to choreograph would spend more of it getting better at catching children.

  I consider the storyline to be pretty ingenious, especially since I watched it with a child's mind, I totally understood the humor.

Mermaids competing for a boy that wouldn't know a boob if it motorboated him in the face? HI-larious.

 And it wasn't just that. I loved the map on the father's "only cummerbund", whatever that is. All I know is that it's good for map-drawing and will instantly become clean with a dry handkerchief. I know I keep saying that "I loved" this and "I loved" that, but honestly, this is one of the best old-school cartoons I've seen in a while.

 With that in mind, I'd like to leave you with this image.

I spent about 3 minutes going back and forth until I could capture this perfectly. You had better enjoy it.

Just What The Doctor Ordered

  How many of you watch(ed) Scrubs, ER, House M.D. Grey's Anatomy, or any of those other types of hospital shows? The biggest thing I hear is, "Oh, those are just TV shows, hospitals aren't really like that." And it's true, I'm pretty sure House would have lost his license a long time ago, and most of Scrubs is negligible.

An eagle of lies!

I think the worst I ever saw was an ad a couple of weeks ago at a bus stop. The poster said something along the lines of how even if his superiors think he's wrong, he doesn't give a damn. It was basically a House knock-off, but instead of seeing edgy and full of wit (and let's be honest, Hugh Laurie), the first thing that came to mind was, "That guy cannot possibly be a good doctor, and would probably be fired within the first day."

Not Pictured: 12 years of medical training

  So where do we go? When someone you know wants to be a doctor, how do you explain that it's not "as seen on TV"? Well I don't write a blog on the interwebs for nothing! I have links of course!

I can't remember how I got into these. Maybe it was though the "Next Blog" button at the top of blogspot if you have an account. It could have been through I Love Charts or someone I follow on Twitter. I know I at least started with Doc Cartoons and the link-hopped from there. I've kind of become obsessed with doctor blogs in the past week or so. Doctors don't scare me for the most part and I'm always interested in looking through the windows of people who spend 12 years or more of their life working to (hopefully) help people. I also love science, and you can get more science than being a doctor.

I know that there are a billion of sciences, please don't hurt me.

A Cartoon Guide to Becoming a Doctor: This isn't always a cartoon guide, a lot of the posts, as well as most of these blogs, are stories from her day at work. Dr. Fizzy, is pretty funny, but I don't think she's had as much experience as Dr. Grumpy. The cartoons she puts up are from her days as a resident/in med school rather than current, but they're still fantastic. The blogs she writes are either anecdotes from med school or what's going on currently.

Doctor Grumpy in the House: Dr. Grumpy is a neurologist, and he's definitely one of the more interesting blogs out there. I don't know how old he is, but he's got a ton of experience and has been doing this blog for close to two years now. He doesn't talk about his training or med school, but rather just absurd stories from his day, usually after they happen, so you get around 3 or so a day, which is neat.

Anonymous Doc: Anon is kind of the darker side of medical school. Dr. Fizzy makes things sound tough, but not terrible, and Doctor Grumpy has already settled into his career. Anon tends to complain and he's a bit long-winded, but I still like them because they're honest. A lot of what he writes is scary, regarding the medical world from a professional standpoint, but it's fascinating anyway. He definitely stands out from the rest in the fact that he'll post full dialogues between himself an a patient, which is always remarkable. I'm always impressed by him and Dr. Grumpy in their ability to remember conversations with patients hours later, but I suppose remembering a lot of things is part of their job.
Edit: I guess he's in that middle ground because he's a resident with interns, but at the same time he's out of medical school and can't afford to make mistakes whatsoever now. He's just kind of an angry person, which occasionally seems overwhelming.

Action Potential: I don't understand the name, but maybe it's some medical reference. Regardless, this is one of my favorite blogs to read, probably because she's still in med school. She's a first year and writes multiple times a day. I think I enjoy her blog so much because she's not that much older than I am (four years isn't really much) so I can identify with her. It also helps a lot that she's still in school, whereas everyone including Anon is at least in residence, if not a full-fledged doctor. She's what I imagine Hyperbole and a Half would be like if Allie was in medical school.

  These are just some of the blogs out there. I'm trying hard to keep this list short because I'm working on catching up on all of them and I literally discovered Anonymous Doc while reading Action Potential/working on this post and read a couple of pages to see if it was worth adding (it is, obviously). Blogs are worse than comics because comics are short and very rarely have that many links, but the blog websites are all about sharing your blog with others, so if you have a blog and comment on one of these blogs, I've clicked on your name (probably), or you're linked on the side of the page and all hell breaks loose. I literally just got the amount of things I wanted to read down to three tabs in a single window (this past week has been about three windows with 5 tabs each). Obviously I have a choice, but sometimes I can't not read fascinating things!

Mentally Cracked

  You've probably noticed I link to Cracked every so often.

Look, I did it again!

Just for fun, I decided to go back and add a picture. From the future!

I don't mean to spam pictures, but I decided I needed to meta-blog.

  I absolutely loved Cracked, as anyone who's facebook friends with me will tell you.

So that's why it's called Cracked.

Anyway, a question I get from a lot of people (see: one, occasionally two) is, "Why don't you go write for Cracked? You read it enough and you're style has become basically the same."

  I'm sitting here at 2 am thinking about that as usual, and I realize, it's because I don't know anything. Take what I'm reading right now for instance. I don't know anything about wars, technology, movies, any of that stuff. I know obscure things, like Norse mythology and comics. There are a few things I would consider posting, like my Widgets for America post, but it's already been written, and in the writer's forum they ask that you just link to your blog, rather than post it on both because they technically buy the rights from you. Soren Bowie writes blogs, but he's one of the head writers, so I don't think you can just submit a blog like his. Beginners either write for the Funny pages or submit the listed articles like I linked to above. C'est la vie I suppose.

Red Ring of Ragnarok

This whole, '11 thing is messing me up.

  So last weekend, Friday, I was obsessively refreshing my Amazon account to see if Red Dead Redemption had been delivered yet. It did, and I got home that evening to boot up the game and allow badassery to commence. I was trying to be calm and not rush into it, I even finished my Twitter blog! I get my xbox 360 set up and whatnot, load the game into the system, get it installing the update off the CD aaaaaand... Error 79. I looked it up, I played around with the thing, and the best I could come up with was Youtube telling me to basically tear it to shreds and rebuild a ghetto Million Dollar Man at the cost of 20 cents. The thing is shot and I'm pretty sure the fans are dying, so I put it on eBay and got a new one. It's fancy, because they put the fan on top where it hopefully won't get blocked, which you think would have been a good idea in the first place. The price also came down by almost a hundred bucks and it's got 230 more gigabytes. I'm not trying to sell the 360, I just like how this is 3 years later, and I'm probably a year or so away from the next xbox system. The trouble is, I can't imagine what I'm going to do with 230 more GB. I wasn't even close to filling the first hard drive. Also, I've developed a ridiculous case of pre-buyer's remorse. I don't regret buying the console, I like it, it's just that I'm worried that I'll develop buyer's remorse. Because that is how I roll.