Facebook Official

  You probably have a facebook since at this point almost everyone has a facebook, and if they don't, there's a "Like" page about them. What ever happened to groups? Ah, those were the days.

Aaah! You know I use facebook!

  Anyway, I was thinking about the "relationship" status thing on facebook, since I just had my one year anniversary and I remember taking a nap out of sickness  last year and waking up to a thousand notifications for every "Like" and comment about the new relationship.

  The trouble with it is the breakup. Now to all of you who know me, no, I'm not plotting anything, I just got to thinking about the awkwardness. Normally (see: pre-facebook) when you break up or get dumped, you call all your close friends, and you either get plastered, pity fucked, ice cream filled, hella sad, or all however many I listed. Nowadays if you get dumped, the other person changes his or her relationship status to single, and you're left with it awkwardly saying that you're "in a relationship" in grey, like it was your birthday (there's some sort of reference here, but I don't know what. In any case, it's a technical pun). And that's fucking sad. Not only is it sad, it's like when you're an adult and they've moved out and you still have a cardboard box with that hardhat they gave you that time you had sex at the abandoned factory and got tetanus.

if that doesn't scream "fuck me" then it explains Valentine's Day a lot.

  It's the last remaining thread of the relationship. You can't leave it there, because then it seems like you're desperate or have false hopes about getting back together. And even if you get rid of it right away, it still brings all of the "pity comments" to both parties. All those friends you share will want to know what happened on both walls and all of that will show up in your feed. You don't even get 100% "sorrys" or "what happened?"'s. You get a bunch of awkward immature people who think that you'll know they care if they post a frowny face.

I know you're experiencing an emotional loss, but I thought a colon, dash, and open parenthesis would fill that void in your chest.

  If you're reeeally lucky, they might just throw in an apostrophe for your troubles.

For the person who feels like they have nothing right now, I summarized "I Will Fight No More Forever" with symbols for you. Cheer the goddamn fuck up.